Written on July 20th

I do not even know where to begin at the moment. On the way here I asked God where He wanted me and I ended up at Starbucks sitting with no distractions, left my headphones in the car along with my other books…so I have no excuse not to write.
A blind man walked in just now and he has so much joy about him. I want to feel that joy despite my pain, despite my handicap. Why is it that these cuts are so deep? It is as if I swallowed glass and now I am ripped from the inside out. I desperately want to be whole…or do I? If I did maybe I would stop digging my heels in the dirt.
Escaped to Myrtle Beach with Kimberly for the weekend. God showed up last night. It was as if He decided that He had something to say and that I should listen. I am still amazed at the words Kimberly had…the words God gave her. To be whole, I have to be broken first. God let me know that He wanted me to be broken. Kimberly told me to just let go of what was stopping me from being there. He was there in that room, but I did not want to hear from him. However, He spoke and I heard.
I was on the couch and it was as if I was trying to stand up, but He pushed me back down. I tried to stand again and He pushed me again. He pushed my body, which was in one piece, asking for it to be in many pieces. He knelt down and told me He would take care of me, just let go. Fall apart and He would catch me. Fall apart?? Where have I heard that before? That is the very thing I want to avoid. He reminded me of His son in the garden of Gethsemane.

Luk 22:40 And when he came to the place, he said to them, "Pray that you may not enter into temptation."
Luk 22:41 And he withdrew from them about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed,
Luk 22:42 saying, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."
Luk 22:43 And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening him.
Luk 22:44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Jesus was broken. He had no strength besides that of His father’s. He didn’t create His own identity, run from the pain, or find strength from a false source within. God spoke telling me, telling me to look to the example of His son. To be broken before him. In Matthew Jesus says:

Mar 14:34 "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch."
Mar 14:35 And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.
Mar 14:36 And he said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

He was overwhelmed with sorrow and He cried out Abba, Father. “Your will not mine”. In that moment I saw God standing over me on that couch and looking at Him and being reminded that He is my father. Really truly He is my daddy. I was scared…frightened of falling apart and I found in the same stern face of God, a comforting father. I felt comfort, I felt His presence, I felt love, I felt SAFE.
What is in the way of me falling apart? My answer in that moment was pride, fear, and the unknown. Something God spoke through Kimberly was, if broken is where He is calling you, then broken is who you are and that is okay. It is where you need to be. That hit me right where I had been questioning, “Who am I?” God’s reply was broken. His reply was my daughter. Who am I? I am Broken, and I want to embrace that identity. God, show me how.